bushi132001's Blog

Longer days ahead

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I feel strange...  Today my oldest friend is about to have a baby.  I don't know what to say or what to think but for some reason I feel a overwhelming sadness.  I'm happy for him in one way and in another way I know this means its time for me to move on yet again.  He is the one person that has always been in my life so its never goodbye but I know that things will be distant.

Connie your a bitch :)

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I don't think I have many weakness but the few that I have are truly odd...  I hate my family its a source of power for me and its also my weakness.  My nigger uncle moved in right up the street from me I was walking around and I saw him once we exchange glances but kinds shrugged it off as nothing but today while I was jogging I can confirm it is 100% him cause I saw my nigger Aunt havent seen that bitch in ten years...  I hate my family I hate America I have been told many times that I shouldn't be so vocal about how much I hate this piece of shit but I am anyway cause as I see it how can they punish me in a place I don't care about?  How can they stigmatize me when I don't care about the American people at all?  

I do care for my parents out of duty but the reality is I haven't seen them in years before my return home same goes for my friends and the truth is when I was overseas I had no strong desire to see them again.  For my parents I'm just tired of their ways as for my friends I just know that we have grown apart in so many ways.  I've been stressing about America a lot and how repressive it has been to me but I guess the light in the tunnel for me is, is just my thought process.  How can a enemy defeat me that I don't even care about?  No matter what they do to me I will just ignore it I will comply with their restrictions but not much this country can really do to break me.  My whole life I have been on the bottom here so low that theirs nothing really they can take away from me here.

Douglas McCain

My thoughts on it are why do Americans jump the gun and bash him and instead why don't they ask what made him want to join in the first place.   What facts do we really know about him and his involvment in this terrorist group?  Personally I'm interested in him cause really...  I'm a America hater people ask me why I leave I tell them and they laugh but for me growing up wasn't easy especially in the kind of family I come from I can see why someone would want to leave and find a new way of life and if he were that deep in that new way of life to were he would die for that cause I admire him in a strange way.

His family memembers are all shocked that he would do such a thing and had no clue to what was really going on but what does someone really know about each other in America we claim to be so liberal and free thinking and fair but the reality is we are becoming more and more undiciplined.  I remember one time telling my views about this country to my parents and they were in shock...   Whats really so good about the American life style or the American people?  The only thing I really missed about this place when I left were the pizza I had American friends but really the more I talk to them the more Alien we feel to each other a lot of times I feel my relationships with American people are just based on because we've known each other for so long.

I hope more details unfold about McCain he sounds interesting and I don't believe that hes the monster that people have made him out to be.  As I write this I think about the benfits of living in America or being involved with American people and none come to mind.

Views on race mixing

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Being different

So I was in the car with my friend today and he said to me "whats wrong white boy?" I said "nothing"...  He has said things like this to me before people have said things like this to me my whole life I have always been different I have always been the nerd, the geek, the freak the whatever but since I can remember I have always been treated differently even my own family rejects me...  I always wondered why I'm treated this way their are way worse people in this world then me that are loved the world over my friend that said this is highly respected he has a girlfriend that is soon to be his wife and hes soon to be a father.

I guess I shouldn't care I don't really like him I don't really like anyone anymore I can only think of a few peoples company that I like to be around and they are half way around the world and I don't even know if they care to see me anymore.  I am a lonely person but I accept it I understand how life is for me but yet sometimes I question it I think of my friends and guys like Willy and I ask myself what really makes them so much better then me?  I know the answer stupid question I guess but the answers are all relative but then again I guess its not when the majority has the ultimate say.


Victory and a defeat

Well things are going good for me money is looking better and better by the day I never thought that I would have so much hope for the future but as my hopes rise so do my sarrows.  I just can't let go of the past.  I can't let go of anything and I know when I look back I know that I'm not going to like what I see I know this but still I feel the need to look back I don't know if its something to satisfy my curiousity or a need to punish myself.  

Even in times like this when the out look is good and things are running smoothly I feel the pain.   


Well today I'm another year closer to dying and over all I did a good job of playing like today was just another day in life but at the end of the day it got me down.  I try to focus on the positive aspect of my life more the benfits of being alone the benfits of my freedom but in the end...  I don't know, I got a birthday gift but I couldn't open it I got a christmas gift as well and I couldn't open that either I don't want any gifts I just want to be left alone in peace!  I don't want to hear another human voice I don't want to see another human face I just want to go some place where its just me where I can be all alone!  Thats what I want more then anything you can't trust people these days its better to be alone.

Happier alone

I don't even know where to really start.  I spend most of my time alone and when I am I feel happy I just like to jog and walk, lift weights day dream and write but it seems like whenever I'm around a "friend" or something like that I get down they all pull me down pick at me.  I like the distance, distance is good for me when I'm alone I can say that I'm truly happy...  I remember when I was living in Sai Noi I think at that time in my life was the best time for me and peace I can remember not having to hear the english language at weeks at a time it was just me in that nice big three bed room house lots of space.  I remember at this time in my life I can say I felt truly accomplished I had a nice big place all the room I could want but most of all it was so quit so so quit I didnt have to hear someone else speak unless I wanted to what I wouldnt give to go back to that time.


I'm completely frustrated with everyone in my life!   Everyone in my life has been a disappointment to me and I know that I'm a disappointment to them.   Right now I just want to be alone I don't want to hear another human voice but my own its going to sound crazy but I have thought about it a lot you know where can I go and be alone?  Nothing comes to mind unless I can build a rocket ship all jokes aside I can feel something coming and when I get these feelings nothing ever good comes of it something horrific usually fallows I can only hope that it will be the end of my life.  

I look around me and I see my world falling apart theirs a barrier between me and my friends.  I can feel the hate brewing from my family I feel like everyday I just want to explode I curb it by running I run twice a day I clock in a average of ten miles a day five in the morning five at night sometimes a little more sometimes a little less I just try to focus on that it gives me something positive to hold on to in a world thats so negative and dark.  Right now I'm trying to beat my time for a three mile run I know I can do it but I keep running out of gas before i hit the three mile stretch if I could keep up the pace that I'm running at I might be able to get the three miles in 18-19mins...   I probably just need to rest up and try it when my body has fully recovered but I can't rest when I feel so much anxiety so much stress so much hate....

In all of this drama and trauma thats happened in my life I do know this and that is I do want to be alone.  Everything has changed for me...  My oldest friend we have known each other for more then ten years I still love him like a brother I still care for him but he has changed a lot and not for the better my other friends are getting married and doing the family thing they dont really have time for me the few that do I'm not in the mood to play house with them.

I will never meet anyone I'm ugly but in all truthfulness that doesnt matter.  If you are black man you don't have to worry about looks all that really matters is how nigger you are, women that like blacks are nigger lovers plan and simple it sounds harsh it sounds cold but its the truth a woman that will be with a black man will really take any kind of black man as long as hes hood.  Some do find nice black men but the reality is its all novelty its all show its all song and dance to show how liberal and modern they are...

I don't know what to do with myself the money is going to start coming in soon and I got to think of whats next.  Where do I go?  Where???


I do not belong here but the truth is I don't belong anywhere.  Sometimes I think I will just end up drifting from place to place in life just floating around bouncing here and there...  Yesterday I hanged out with my oldest friend Kareem we have known each other for more then ten years as soon as I enter the his jeep I feel welcomed but theirs a silence something between us the truth in that I am beneath him because I'm not like him he says he loves me so do my other friends but I'm always viewed as the weakest as the most pitiful I don't fit into any society in this world.


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How many of you out their are truly alone?  Truly alone?  I am I feel very alone right now...  Today is a day I will never forget I will tattoo it on my wrist I will carve it into my back cause today is the day that after more then ten years of brotherhood I had to say goodbye to a friend that I thought would be with me through thick and then.  I have shed tears for many but this is by far the worst time for me.  I'm not to live with human beings human anything...  I remember a long time ago I was walking a long the beach and I looked up to the stars and asked myself what else is out their what is out in other worlds?  I used to read Green Lantern comic books a lot someone asked me once if I could go anywhere in the world where would I go I laughed and I thought to myself anywhere but here any place any place but here.  Failure has become me it has become me in everything and in every way I sleep and I wake to a nightmare I feel as if I have lost all of who I was and who I am.  I feel like I'm hanging on to life by a thread a thin thread lol maybe I'm just to pathetic to end it all just gut myself as I say that I think of all the pain I have endured in my life physical and all and maybe it would be easier to do then you would think.  I remember my first scarification I got it done near westport I remember when Jeremy turned on the light and flagged me to the closet area I remember being filled with, filled with something I have never felt before in my life I cant describe it my heart was heavy it weighed a ton I remember the first cut hurt but then it was less and less and less...  It wasnt long before the pain left me completely I saw all this blood flowing out of me.


Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad...  The older I get, the  more time that passes in my life the more I wrestle with myself over everything over friends, family, love everything thats a part of my life is in conflict with some aspect of my personality some aspect of who I am...  I'm tired of the games and I want out of it all I don't feel like I can trust anyone and I feel like everyone is lying to me.  I was reading a story a week or so ago in the story a man was disfigured he was born in a garbage box and when people saw him for the first time they threw rocks at him and cursed him cause he was disfigured he wasn't like everyone else so he dug a hole in the ground and he dug deeper and deeper and for awhile he had peace but then one day some one threw a corpse in his hole and then they just pilled up till he was buried in them.   I feel like that no matter how deep a dig no matter how much I tried to hide from the rage in misery inside me something will always fall on me to make my former self resurface.

Ultra Marginalized

This is my first post since being in America I haven't been back for a full month and I can already remember why I left.   You know as a black man I can hear sometimes hear other black people feel marginalized I also hear gay people say things like that too but heres the thing at least they have each other right?  I have no one, I have no people if some one were going to ask me how I feel about my life here I would have to say I feel Ultra Marginalized...  Its a word I made up because I feel that people that are Marginalized don't fit in with "main stream society" that they are on the fringes of society but that being said at least they have friends that share the same lifestyle as them some one the can look to for support and understand the situation they are in further more I feel that most people don't have to be marginalized I feel that some people like it.

 Like black people its 2013 you cant use racism as a excuse for everything anymore most black people in my area are all tattooed up and they speak ebonics even if they are actually good people their outward apperance is such that it wards people off and it makes others leary of them but its black societies choice to be that way we are all Americans we should talk the same way and share similar behaviours not all black people are bad or thugish but the reality is, that its the norm for blacks and they like it this way.  If you are black in order to gain the respect of most other blacks you have to be the blackest both physically and in your behaviour.  I look at Gays the same way one of my oldest friends is gay hes a great guy but he marginalizes himself by sharing with the world hes gay I know his attitude is that he doesnt want to hide who he is but in the grand scheme of things I think someone sexuality isn't that important at all and I dont understand why he and other gays feel the need to tell people they are gay like I said I dont mind gay people I have met many amazing gay people in my life but I really dont care who sleeps with who.

I'm marginalized...  Not on the level as most though its a very different kind of marginalization for me the more I try to understand it the more confused I get, I guess I just dont fit in with any group of people on the outside I think most people are nice to me in passing but everyones nice in passing.  Almost everyday I go jogging motorist wave and say hello, I walk into a store to get a drink after my jog the people that work at the store are very kind to me and thats about were my acceptance in this world ends all my interactions with people have always been very passive and the few close relationships that I have had before have been broken due to life, all my friends are married and have children, just busy with the natural order of life.   I don't fit in with any group of people, right now I'm looking for my next place to call home and the more I think about it I think of death just leaving it all behind leaving behind all the rejection and hostility it would be nice to close my eyes and never wake again.

I have no friends... I have no one...

I have come to the conclusion that I have no real friends and that no one really cares about me at all... This is a hard pill to swallow but at least I can face it now.  Only person that cares about me is Kob and the reality is she doesnt care either she just does out of obligation she doesnt think anything of me at all.  Right now I am thinking to myself maybe I should really just end it all...  Before in the past I have made several attempts but the reality of those attempts are that I didnt put everything into it.

I tried cutting my wrists once you can see scars all up and down my forearm but it wasnt enough it wasnt deep enough for it to kill me.  I tried a overdose on various drugs and though the dosages were high it still wasnt enough I am going to have to do something more dramatic.  Something like a jumb, electricution, or a stab wound something that would really cause some real damage, something that would really do the trick.  The thing is though my desire to die seems to balance my desire to live, as much as I want to kick the bucket and leave this world behind me I still want to live your going to laugh at this but Earth just aint for me people just aint for me if I could go anywhere I would leave the planet lol.

I dont know...  Its a rather hard reality to embrace that you are all alone like this completely alone but its better to face the reality of the situation then to contiue to lie to yourself like Ive been doing my whole life.  I havent felt so much anxiety before in my entire life...  I wish to christ my life would just end.

Brian's Ladder

I was about 15 years old when I first heard the music of UNKLE and I have been listening to them ever since I have all of their CDs but one and the only reason why I dont have it is cause I'm not in America as soon as I get home that will be my first purchase well technically second since the first thing I plan on doing is eating as much pizza as I can :P.   I first heard them through music video called a Rabbit in your headlights a month later I bought that CD and listened to it on a loop for almost a year I bought other CDs but that one particully I listened to the most and as they realeased more and more music I bought more and more stuff from them.  

Most of the tracks to their music are bristol bay trip hop and electronica  some alternative stuff too but on every CD they have released they have that one track that one track when they are trying to say something and I guess what makes me such a big fan is I feel like they are trying to say something to me on a personal level as crazy as that may sound.   Their first two CDs they kept using qoutes from a movie called Jacobs Ladder so naturally me being a big fan of their music I watched Jacobs Ladder. 

For people that arent familiar with the movie to sum it all up its about a solider that is dying in Veitnam but he doesnt know he is he thinks hes back in America and the movie is basically about his delousiouns hes having as he is dying.  Its about his journey through death he has so many unresolved and terrbulant issues within himself...   At the end he finds some sort of peace and then the movie cuts back to Vietnam and we find out that nothing that happened was real and hes actually just dying.

Sometimes I feel like this like I think back in life and so many times I could have died so many times some one could have killed me.  I had a drug overdose a couple of times maybe I died then, I like to cut myself maybe I cut my wrist and died then, I got into a fight with some mobsters maybe I died then...   My life is so unreal that I cant believe its real its so crazy and unpredictable I wonder how long it will take me to find out that I actually died I never left America I'm back in my room laying in bed waiting for my heart to stop from a overdose....


I am tired of people I am tired of my friends I feel that where ever I go I am seen as a joke for the way that I look for my morals and ethics for my beliefs and lifestyle I feel like I am under constant critisim from people that are supposed to be my friends.  I have to let go I have to let everyone go now...  Its better this way I am already all alone in so many ways me cutting ties is just the final nail in the coffin.

I think deep down inside I knew that all roads would lead me down this path the path of lonliness.  I am a man that hasnt seen his family in more then ten years a man that only understands pain.  I am a man and yet I am not a man...  I know now though that I am truly a island and thats just fine with me.

1-20 of 46 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Longer days ahead, posted October 11th, 2014
Respect=******, posted October 9th, 2014
Changes, posted September 30th, 2014
Connie your a ***** :), posted September 11th, 2014
Invincible, posted September 6th, 2014
Douglas McCain, posted August 27th, 2014
Views on race mixing, posted August 15th, 2014
Being different, posted February 8th, 2014
Victory and a defeat, posted January 19th, 2014
HBD, posted January 14th, 2014
Happier alone, posted December 22nd, 2013
Hermit, posted December 12th, 2013
................., posted November 20th, 2013
...., posted November 12th, 2013
......, posted October 1st, 2013
FML, posted September 28th, 2013
Ultra Marginalized, posted August 24th, 2013
I have no friends... I have no one..., posted March 25th, 2013, 2 comments
Brian's Ladder, posted February 20th, 2013
Joke, posted February 17th, 2013
I fall apart, posted January 1st, 2013
How I see myself in the world, posted December 19th, 2012
I can count on myself, posted December 5th, 2012
:'(, posted December 2nd, 2012, 2 comments
A stupid question with a logical answer., posted July 26th, 2012
What would make me happy?, posted October 19th, 2011
Nerdin out, posted October 2nd, 2011
The day after, posted September 30th, 2011
Nightmare, posted September 21st, 2011, 1 comment
A real hug, posted September 14th, 2011, 1 comment
Cats, posted September 4th, 2011
Another bad day..., posted August 31st, 2011
Happy Birthday JJ, posted August 30th, 2011
Sick, posted August 1st, 2011, 1 comment
Alone, posted July 17th, 2011
10 reasons why you should hate women and avoid being in a relationship with them, posted June 26th, 2011
All or nothing, posted June 20th, 2011
My body is a prison, posted June 14th, 2011
Feelin dead, posted April 22nd, 2011, 2 comments
RAGE, posted April 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Upset, posted April 21st, 2011
Exile, posted March 20th, 2011
I hate my life, posted February 27th, 2011
I wish I could be white, posted February 10th, 2011
Somewhere I belong, posted January 9th, 2011
Some days I hate my mother!!!, posted January 2nd, 2011
N64 :(, posted December 29th, 2010
My fathers lessons, posted December 18th, 2010
How long can I deny it?, posted November 28th, 2010
Stupid drunk, posted November 28th, 2010
1-50 of 51 Blog Posts   

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