So I was in the car with my friend today and he said to me "whats wrong white boy?" I said "nothing"... He has said things like this to me before people have said things like this to me my whole life I have always been different I have always been the nerd, the geek, the freak the whatever but since I can remember I have always been treated differently even my own family rejects me... I always wondered why I'm treated this way their are way worse people in this world then me that are loved the world over my friend that said this is highly respected he has a girlfriend that is soon to be his wife and hes soon to be a father.
I guess I shouldn't care I don't really like him I don't really like anyone anymore I can only think of a few peoples company that I like to be around and they are half way around the world and I don't even know if they care to see me anymore. I am a lonely person but I accept it I understand how life is for me but yet sometimes I question it I think of my friends and guys like Willy and I ask myself what really makes them so much better then me? I know the answer stupid question I guess but the answers are all relative but then again I guess its not when the majority has the ultimate say.
Well things are going good for me money is looking better and better by the day I never thought that I would have so much hope for the future but as my hopes rise so do my sarrows. I just can't let go of the past. I can't let go of anything and I know when I look back I know that I'm not going to like what I see I know this but still I feel the need to look back I don't know if its something to satisfy my curiousity or a need to punish myself.
Even in times like this when the out look is good and things are running smoothly I feel the pain.
Well today I'm another year closer to dying and over all I did a good job of playing like today was just another day in life but at the end of the day it got me down. I try to focus on the positive aspect of my life more the benfits of being alone the benfits of my freedom but in the end... I don't know, I got a birthday gift but I couldn't open it I got a christmas gift as well and I couldn't open that either I don't want any gifts I just want to be left alone in peace! I don't want to hear another human voice I don't want to see another human face I just want to go some place where its just me where I can be all alone! Thats what I want more then anything you can't trust people these days its better to be alone.
I don't even know where to really start. I spend most of my time alone and when I am I feel happy I just like to jog and walk, lift weights day dream and write but it seems like whenever I'm around a "friend" or something like that I get down they all pull me down pick at me. I like the distance, distance is good for me when I'm alone I can say that I'm truly happy... I remember when I was living in Sai Noi I think at that time in my life was the best time for me and peace I can remember not having to hear the english language at weeks at a time it was just me in that nice big three bed room house lots of space. I remember at this time in my life I can say I felt truly accomplished I had a nice big place all the room I could want but most of all it was so quit so so quit I didnt have to hear someone else speak unless I wanted to what I wouldnt give to go back to that time.
I'm completely frustrated with everyone in my life! Everyone in my life has been a disappointment to me and I know that I'm a disappointment to them. Right now I just want to be alone I don't want to hear another human voice but my own its going to sound crazy but I have thought about it a lot you know where can I go and be alone? Nothing comes to mind unless I can build a rocket ship all jokes aside I can feel something coming and when I get these feelings nothing ever good comes of it something horrific usually fallows I can only hope that it will be the end of my life.
I look around me and I see my world falling apart theirs a barrier between me and my friends. I can feel the hate brewing from my family I feel like everyday I just want to explode I curb it by running I run twice a day I clock in a average of ten miles a day five in the morning five at night sometimes a little more sometimes a little less I just try to focus on that it gives me something positive to hold on to in a world thats so negative and dark. Right now I'm trying to beat my time for a three mile run I know I can do it but I keep running out of gas before i hit the three mile stretch if I could keep up the pace that I'm running at I might be able to get the three miles in 18-19mins... I probably just need to rest up and try it when my body has fully recovered but I can't rest when I feel so much anxiety so much stress so much hate....
In all of this drama and trauma thats happened in my life I do know this and that is I do want to be alone. Everything has changed for me... My oldest friend we have known each other for more then ten years I still love him like a brother I still care for him but he has changed a lot and not for the better my other friends are getting married and doing the family thing they dont really have time for me the few that do I'm not in the mood to play house with them.
I will never meet anyone I'm ugly but in all truthfulness that doesnt matter. If you are black man you don't have to worry about looks all that really matters is how nigger you are, women that like blacks are nigger lovers plan and simple it sounds harsh it sounds cold but its the truth a woman that will be with a black man will really take any kind of black man as long as hes hood. Some do find nice black men but the reality is its all novelty its all show its all song and dance to show how liberal and modern they are...
I don't know what to do with myself the money is going to start coming in soon and I got to think of whats next. Where do I go? Where???
I do not belong here but the truth is I don't belong anywhere. Sometimes I think I will just end up drifting from place to place in life just floating around bouncing here and there... Yesterday I hanged out with my oldest friend Kareem we have known each other for more then ten years as soon as I enter the his jeep I feel welcomed but theirs a silence something between us the truth in that I am beneath him because I'm not like him he says he loves me so do my other friends but I'm always viewed as the weakest as the most pitiful I don't fit into any society in this world.
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How many of you out their are truly alone? Truly alone? I am I feel very alone right now... Today is a day I will never forget I will tattoo it on my wrist I will carve it into my back cause today is the day that after more then ten years of brotherhood I had to say goodbye to a friend that I thought would be with me through thick and then. I have shed tears for many but this is by far the worst time for me. I'm not to live with human beings human anything... I remember a long time ago I was walking a long the beach and I looked up to the stars and asked myself what else is out their what is out in other worlds? I used to read Green Lantern comic books a lot someone asked me once if I could go anywhere in the world where would I go I laughed and I thought to myself anywhere but here any place any place but here. Failure has become me it has become me in everything and in every way I sleep and I wake to a nightmare I feel as if I have lost all of who I was and who I am. I feel like I'm hanging on to life by a thread a thin thread lol maybe I'm just to pathetic to end it all just gut myself as I say that I think of all the pain I have endured in my life physical and all and maybe it would be easier to do then you would think. I remember my first scarification I got it done near westport I remember when Jeremy turned on the light and flagged me to the closet area I remember being filled with, filled with something I have never felt before in my life I cant describe it my heart was heavy it weighed a ton I remember the first cut hurt but then it was less and less and less... It wasnt long before the pain left me completely I saw all this blood flowing out of me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad... The older I get, the more time that passes in my life the more I wrestle with myself over everything over friends, family, love everything thats a part of my life is in conflict with some aspect of my personality some aspect of who I am... I'm tired of the games and I want out of it all I don't feel like I can trust anyone and I feel like everyone is lying to me. I was reading a story a week or so ago in the story a man was disfigured he was born in a garbage box and when people saw him for the first time they threw rocks at him and cursed him cause he was disfigured he wasn't like everyone else so he dug a hole in the ground and he dug deeper and deeper and for awhile he had peace but then one day some one threw a corpse in his hole and then they just pilled up till he was buried in them. I feel like that no matter how deep a dig no matter how much I tried to hide from the rage in misery inside me something will always fall on me to make my former self resurface.
This is my first post since being in America I haven't been back for a full month and I can already remember why I left. You know as a black man I can hear sometimes hear other black people feel marginalized I also hear gay people say things like that too but heres the thing at least they have each other right? I have no one, I have no people if some one were going to ask me how I feel about my life here I would have to say I feel Ultra Marginalized... Its a word I made up because I feel that people that are Marginalized don't fit in with "main stream society" that they are on the fringes of society but that being said at least they have friends that share the same lifestyle as them some one the can look to for support and understand the situation they are in further more I feel that most people don't have to be marginalized I feel that some people like it.
Like black people its 2013 you cant use racism as a excuse for everything anymore most black people in my area are all tattooed up and they speak ebonics even if they are actually good people their outward apperance is such that it wards people off and it makes others leary of them but its black societies choice to be that way we are all Americans we should talk the same way and share similar behaviours not all black people are bad or thugish but the reality is, that its the norm for blacks and they like it this way. If you are black in order to gain the respect of most other blacks you have to be the blackest both physically and in your behaviour. I look at Gays the same way one of my oldest friends is gay hes a great guy but he marginalizes himself by sharing with the world hes gay I know his attitude is that he doesnt want to hide who he is but in the grand scheme of things I think someone sexuality isn't that important at all and I dont understand why he and other gays feel the need to tell people they are gay like I said I dont mind gay people I have met many amazing gay people in my life but I really dont care who sleeps with who.
I'm marginalized... Not on the level as most though its a very different kind of marginalization for me the more I try to understand it the more confused I get, I guess I just dont fit in with any group of people on the outside I think most people are nice to me in passing but everyones nice in passing. Almost everyday I go jogging motorist wave and say hello, I walk into a store to get a drink after my jog the people that work at the store are very kind to me and thats about were my acceptance in this world ends all my interactions with people have always been very passive and the few close relationships that I have had before have been broken due to life, all my friends are married and have children, just busy with the natural order of life. I don't fit in with any group of people, right now I'm looking for my next place to call home and the more I think about it I think of death just leaving it all behind leaving behind all the rejection and hostility it would be nice to close my eyes and never wake again.
I have come to the conclusion that I have no real friends and that no one really cares about me at all... This is a hard pill to swallow but at least I can face it now. Only person that cares about me is Kob and the reality is she doesnt care either she just does out of obligation she doesnt think anything of me at all. Right now I am thinking to myself maybe I should really just end it all... Before in the past I have made several attempts but the reality of those attempts are that I didnt put everything into it.
I tried cutting my wrists once you can see scars all up and down my forearm but it wasnt enough it wasnt deep enough for it to kill me. I tried a overdose on various drugs and though the dosages were high it still wasnt enough I am going to have to do something more dramatic. Something like a jumb, electricution, or a stab wound something that would really cause some real damage, something that would really do the trick. The thing is though my desire to die seems to balance my desire to live, as much as I want to kick the bucket and leave this world behind me I still want to live your going to laugh at this but Earth just aint for me people just aint for me if I could go anywhere I would leave the planet lol.
I dont know... Its a rather hard reality to embrace that you are all alone like this completely alone but its better to face the reality of the situation then to contiue to lie to yourself like Ive been doing my whole life. I havent felt so much anxiety before in my entire life... I wish to christ my life would just end.
I was about 15 years old when I first heard the music of UNKLE and I have been listening to them ever since I have all of their CDs but one and the only reason why I dont have it is cause I'm not in America as soon as I get home that will be my first purchase well technically second since the first thing I plan on doing is eating as much pizza as I can :P. I first heard them through music video called a Rabbit in your headlights a month later I bought that CD and listened to it on a loop for almost a year I bought other CDs but that one particully I listened to the most and as they realeased more and more music I bought more and more stuff from them.
Most of the tracks to their music are bristol bay trip hop and electronica some alternative stuff too but on every CD they have released they have that one track that one track when they are trying to say something and I guess what makes me such a big fan is I feel like they are trying to say something to me on a personal level as crazy as that may sound. Their first two CDs they kept using qoutes from a movie called Jacobs Ladder so naturally me being a big fan of their music I watched Jacobs Ladder.
For people that arent familiar with the movie to sum it all up its about a solider that is dying in Veitnam but he doesnt know he is he thinks hes back in America and the movie is basically about his delousiouns hes having as he is dying. Its about his journey through death he has so many unresolved and terrbulant issues within himself... At the end he finds some sort of peace and then the movie cuts back to Vietnam and we find out that nothing that happened was real and hes actually just dying.
Sometimes I feel like this like I think back in life and so many times I could have died so many times some one could have killed me. I had a drug overdose a couple of times maybe I died then, I like to cut myself maybe I cut my wrist and died then, I got into a fight with some mobsters maybe I died then... My life is so unreal that I cant believe its real its so crazy and unpredictable I wonder how long it will take me to find out that I actually died I never left America I'm back in my room laying in bed waiting for my heart to stop from a overdose....
I am tired of people I am tired of my friends I feel that where ever I go I am seen as a joke for the way that I look for my morals and ethics for my beliefs and lifestyle I feel like I am under constant critisim from people that are supposed to be my friends. I have to let go I have to let everyone go now... Its better this way I am already all alone in so many ways me cutting ties is just the final nail in the coffin.
I think deep down inside I knew that all roads would lead me down this path the path of lonliness. I am a man that hasnt seen his family in more then ten years a man that only understands pain. I am a man and yet I am not a man... I know now though that I am truly a island and thats just fine with me.
My life just gets worse and worse right when I start to believe again things fall apart but for the first time I'm starting to think why is that? One moment things are moving along going well and the next they are terrible and I think all of this is happening because I'm a bad person. Yep as lame as it sounds I think everything that is happening to me at the moment is all karma what goes around comes around for every stupid decision I have made it will eventually come back to bite me in the ass and now I feel like I got to figure out away to make myself clean set things right.
I guess I'm just tired of all the self destruction all the hate in general it consumes me for the first time in my life I think it would be easier for me to forgive someone then to hate them to just let things go acknowledge the past but keep on truckin. I've hated my family for more then ten years now but truth be told that hates been with me so long and its been so long since I've seen them I'm not sure if I would even recongnize any of them if I passed them on the street but I feel this need to kill them, all of them its like a knee jerk reflex as soon as I hear one of their names I'm sent into a blind rage. I remember when Tyra e-mailed me I wanted to jump through the internet and kill her... I do hate her I feel as if she abandoned me after all she claims that I am a "brother" to her I havent seen her in over ten years too shes been apart of everyone elses life but mine... I have every right to be angry with her and hate her even but not to that degree and really look at her today shes married shes got kids shes nobody now best thing to do is just look at her for what she is and move on, shes nothing more then a lying manipulative bitch not worth any thought and the same goes for all of them.
I dont think I could ever forgive them but I think its time that I forget them forget them and Parkville... Stop wasting all my energy on people that I will never see again. Only way I would ever see them again is if I made the real effort to bump into them which I wont.
I just feel the need to finally start fresh to really work on my problems and move forward and try to salvage whats left of my life the first half has been a nightmare but the second half doesnt have to be I'm still young I can still turn things around I know I can make this buisness work if I were more diciplined... My best friends wife is pregnent and you know lately I've been dreaming of having a family of my own. I cant believe I just said that but I have I got to find the right woman first :P but I think it would be good for me in time.
I just know I need to get my life together I need to set things right move on and be as honest and good as I can be...
So your dressed nice, your looking clean feeling fresh and praising god that its friday. After a hard work week what else would make you feel better then a ice cold beer with your friends. So you decided to meet up with them at a nightclub so you go to the nightclub and secuirty pats you down but they wont let you in... You dont have a weapon your dressed ok but they wont let you pass for whatever reason. Your friends show up and they get in the club without any problems they look back at you and they feel bad but they want to have fun too so they leave you outside... Your left looking outside at all the people having fun laughing enjoying themselves socializing... Thats kinda how I see myself in the world they just dont want me in for whatever reason I'm always on the outside looking in watching everyone else enjoy themselves...
You think you have friends and then something happens that totally makes you think otherwise... I'm having one of those times... They say one thing and do another, I want to hangout and then they say yes and then they blow me off. I would make time for them any time but they cant make five mintues for me in my time of need. Once again I feel it, I feel the meaninglessness of my life and I just want it to end.
My whole life I have cared for and loved people that didnt care for or love me back. I treat my friends like family cause I have none and day by day I see how thats a mistake, giving so much of yourself to someone and the only thing they can give you back are lies and excusses. I guess I shouldnt complain I'm no saint and its probably what I deserve... I deserve all this bullshit thats happening to me...
Less then 30mins ago I found out that my grandmother is dead... Not only is she dead but she died almost three years ago... My family kept that from me for almost three years... Some family I have how could they keep something like that from me...
My mother sometimes likes to play therapist try's to play peace maker. So a couple of days ago she sent me a email asking me why I don't think my dad loves me I laughed so hard. This was a stupid question because she was the first person to tell me that my dad hates me. Kob doesn't know anything about my family and she tells me that my entire family hates me. My oldest friend Kareem tells me my dad doesn't care about me. When I was in middle school a friend of mine helped my dad move something's in his place and she told me that he's a hateful person instead of thinking her for her help he whole his head in frustration. I've said this many times before but no one loves me period end of discussion neither of them do and the more they play like they do the more frustrated I get. My parents are nothing to me but a piggy bank plan and simple are relationship is built on money nothing else the only time I talk to them is when it's about money. My feeling towards them go between real hate to obligation I don't feel guilty about anything that Ive done to my family because considering what all they've done to me the things ive done are small but as for my parents go I try to wish them the best but love isn't the word that I would use with anyone and I especially wouldn't use it with them. When they are dead in gone I will cry but it's not so much of me missing them it would just be a natural thing t do considering that they are my parents.
They've taught me nothing which is ok I guess my mom worked a full time job and went t school and my dad only got custody of meon the weekends which means I spent my time n front of the tv or playing video games while he slept the weekend away.
As strange as it sounds the only person that I had growing up to teach me about life were my friends and their families I'm very close to Kareem and his family when something happens in his family and in his circlie it affects me more then my own and that's the way it's been since I can remember.
My parents hate him because the truth is they've replaced them and I think deep down inside they know that the things they should have taunt me him and his family did the emotional support that I needed they gave me when my parents were about to kick my out on the streets they offered me a home and a very nice one at that. When i was being bullied at school and interfaced at home the only person I had was Kareem.
I say that no one loves me I say that everyone loves me out of obligation but Kareem and his family do not. I will be on e phone with Kareem for hours and at times he would just randomly say he loves me and he will tell me he misses me and to come home.
I don't love my family for many reasons I could literally write a book about how much i hate them and how much i want to kill them but if I could sum it up. They abused me physically and mentally I constantly felt like I was not good enough to be a part of their family they are very clichish like high school but above all else they are all liars manipulators and they exiled me they threw me into he'll to protect their reputation and their more favorable family members...
I was talking to a friend a few days ago and he told me he didnt want to talk to me anymore. I asked him why and he told me that its cause I am to dark I never have anything positive to say... You know I cant get angry with him hes right I never do have anything positive to say nothing makes me happy anymore nothing at all dont get me wrong I do have my interest things that I like to read up on but outside of that nothing but then I got to thinking really hard what would make me happy? I kept thinking about it and then it finally hit me... Their is nothing that can make me happy nothing this world has to offer can truly put a smile on my face but I did think of something that could give me immense pleasure...
If I could kill my family that would be the most pleasurable experience of my life. It wont make me happy but I could sleep better at night I told this to a friend and of course they thought I was crazy they told me not to use violence he told me it would be a good idea if I went back home and talked it out with them I never laughed so hard in my life lol. If I talked to them it would lead to a fight anyway cause the shit that I got to say to them would be emotionally crippling to them.
Me and my friend talked for a good hour about it his only defense was this in my nature I like a good challenge he asked me how hard would it be for you to kill a bunch of regular Mcdonalds eating Americans lol. Good point cant take to much pride in offing them but thats not really what its about anymore its about whats fair they destroyed my life so I figure me taking theirs would even us up if anything I am being nice about it death aint that bad. Off course I have never experienced it truly but I had some close calls my scarification I bleed out a lot they were going to take me to the hospital on that one but I passed I was able to cling to life in my bed for a couple days. On top of that you cant forget my many drug overdoses I have had through out the course of my life... I didnt die but I can tell you it felt like I was going to and I have to say that suprisingly it was peaceful I remember just closing my eyes and thinking to myself this is it...
I woke up feeling horrible... Theirs no easy way to die if your going to kill yourself the most sure fire way to do it is always gruesome they would for sure close the casket for their funerals but they get what they deserve. I know I must sound like a horrible person but the truth is I am giving them the easy way out.
I bought Green Lantern movie to cheer me up it was one of my favorite movies of the summer I know that most people didnt like it I can understand why but me being a fan boy and all it was the movie of my dreams just hearing Hal Jordan/Ryan Reynolds speak the oath was enough for me and I know how much people hated the cgi suit but me personally I liked it, it worked more for what the Green Lantern was he shouldnt have a suit like other super heros his ring makes his suit and its made out of energy so I though it worked. After seeing it a few more times my fandom had died down a bit and I can see obvious problems with the movie the sence cut at awkward moments somethings in the story just dont feel neccessary for example Parallax was on his way to Oa to fight the corp but turns all the way around and heads to earth cause of Hector and thats another problem in the movie its self I guess you can say Hector was a secondary villain problem is he wasnt very villainous in fact I saw a lot of myself in him especially in his relationship with his father and with Carol. Another point is to much time on earth not enought time on Oa it would have been nice to see more of the place and Hal's training with the corp should have lasted longer then a day (maybe less) and the little easter egg at the end when I first saw it I yelled with excitement but really people are right it makes no sence with the movie.
Outside of my nerd flick another pick me up is on the 20th I am going to see the Bangkok Symphony Orchestra tickets go from 500-1,000 baht I think I will take the 1,000 one cause its been so long since I seen any live music. After the 20th I will be sure to let you all know how I liked it I am skeptical of their playing abilites I have seen Thais DJ abilities and that leave MUCH to be desired but then again when I go out to a club its never to enjoy the music unless they got UNKLE sounds or Dj Shadow playing I dont care much for black music it all sounds the same nothing special about it anymore anyone can be a rapper or a DJ doest take much talent.
My mood: very anxious
Previous PostsBeing different, posted February 8th, 2014
Victory and a defeat, posted January 19th, 2014
HBD, posted January 14th, 2014
Happier alone, posted December 22nd, 2013
Hermit, posted December 12th, 2013
................., posted November 20th, 2013
...., posted November 12th, 2013
......, posted October 1st, 2013
FML, posted September 28th, 2013
Ultra Marginalized, posted August 24th, 2013
I have no friends... I have no one..., posted March 25th, 2013, 2 comments
Brian's Ladder, posted February 20th, 2013
Joke, posted February 17th, 2013
I fall apart, posted January 1st, 2013
How I see myself in the world, posted December 19th, 2012
I can count on myself, posted December 5th, 2012
:'(, posted December 2nd, 2012, 2 comments
A stupid question with a logical answer., posted July 26th, 2012
What would make me happy?, posted October 19th, 2011
Nerdin out, posted October 2nd, 2011
The day after, posted September 30th, 2011
Nightmare, posted September 21st, 2011, 1 comment
A real hug, posted September 14th, 2011, 1 comment
Cats, posted September 4th, 2011
Another bad day..., posted August 31st, 2011
Happy Birthday JJ, posted August 30th, 2011
Sick, posted August 1st, 2011, 1 comment
Alone, posted July 17th, 2011
10 reasons why you should hate women and avoid being in a relationship with them, posted June 26th, 2011
All or nothing, posted June 20th, 2011
My body is a prison, posted June 14th, 2011
Feelin dead, posted April 22nd, 2011, 2 comments
RAGE, posted April 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Upset, posted April 21st, 2011
Exile, posted March 20th, 2011
I hate my life, posted February 27th, 2011
I wish I could be white, posted February 10th, 2011
Somewhere I belong, posted January 9th, 2011
Some days I hate my mother!!!, posted January 2nd, 2011
N64 :(, posted December 29th, 2010
My fathers lessons, posted December 18th, 2010
How long can I deny it?, posted November 28th, 2010
Stupid drunk, posted November 28th, 2010
Bigorexia, posted November 27th, 2010, 2 comments
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