I fall apart | bushi132001's Blog

My life just gets worse and worse right when I start to believe again things fall apart but for the first time I'm starting to think why is that?    One moment things are moving along going well and the next they are terrible and I think all of this is happening because I'm a bad person.   Yep as lame as it sounds I think everything that is happening to me at the moment is all karma what goes around comes around for every stupid decision I have made it will eventually come back to bite me in the ass and now I feel like I got to figure out away to make myself clean set things right.  

I guess I'm just tired of all the self destruction all the hate in general it consumes me for the first time in my life I think it would be easier for me to forgive someone then to hate them to just let things go acknowledge the past but keep on truckin.   I've hated my family for more then ten years now but truth be told that hates been with me so long and its been so long since I've seen them I'm not sure if I would even recongnize any of them if I passed them on the street but I feel this need to kill them, all of them its like a knee jerk reflex as soon as I hear one of their names I'm sent into a blind rage.  I remember when Tyra e-mailed me I wanted to jump through the internet and kill her...  I do hate her I feel as if she abandoned me after all she claims that I am a "brother" to her I havent seen her in over ten years too shes been apart of everyone elses life but mine...  I have every right to be angry with her and hate her even but not to that degree and really look at her today shes married shes got kids shes nobody now best thing to do is just look at her for what she is and move on, shes nothing more then a lying manipulative bitch not worth any thought and the same goes for all of them.

I dont think I could ever forgive them but I think its time that I forget them forget them and Parkville...   Stop wasting all my energy on people that I will never see again.  Only way I would ever see them again is if I made the real effort to bump into them which I wont.

I just feel the need to finally start fresh to really work on my problems and move forward and try to salvage whats left of my life the first half has been a nightmare but the second half doesnt have to be I'm still young I can still turn things around I know I can make this buisness work if I were more diciplined...  My best friends wife is pregnent and you know lately I've been dreaming of having a family of my own.   I cant believe I just said that but I have I got to find the right woman first :P but I think it would be good for me in time.

I just know I need to get my life together I need to set things right move on and be as honest and good as I can be...

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